The Silent Cry

This is a story for one that may be suffering or maybe someone that knows someone suffering. A story that needs awareness. A story that many don’t like to face. A story that I hope will be a light for others.
You see it’s a word, a feeling, a struggle that no ones wants to talk about. You put it on the back burner because you think that maybe, just maybe it will just go away. You fell lost, alone and crying out to God because you just don’t know why you feel the way you do. It hurts, you feel as if someone ripped you in pieces, you feel defeated and pretty much not even liking who you have become.
It’s that word…. depression.
I have seen it first hand being a Doula, I have seen it within my family. But did I ever think I could have ever feel that way… umm nope.
So many think with raising a large family that we have it all together. The fact is we ALL have struggles whether big or small ones, financial, mental or anything in between.
Sometimes the situation rises so much more then what we can bare.
I thought about what has happened in my life that after so many children something was completely different.
I had lost a pregnancy at 14 weeks (which my book will be out soon) I then had another miscarriage due to a blighted ovum a few months later and then I had a beautiful baby boy that has had intense food allergies that has been very stressful. I felt like I was walking on eggs shells and I wanted the day to just become the next.
Depression is so real and I believe the devil tries so hard to lure us in that direction and come to a dark place.
I felt like I was sinking to the point of just not knowing how to handle myself. So much had been taken away from not only me but my family. I felt like I just didn’t function to my full ability. I would be lying if I said that everything was fine.
You see many wont talk about it and deal with it themselves. But I knew I needed to get better but didn’t want medication. I never went to a doctor but I’d tons of research on my own.
I changed my eating habits especially for my baby as I was breastfeeding and still am. I found out that if I didn’t heal my gut I was never going to get better so I take amazing supplements. I was tired of hearing myself get angry and frustrated all the time. My kids probably didn’t know what happened to their mom and my poor husband, what a trooper. But praying to God daily and asking him to restore me and make me whole again was all I wanted. I wanted to be that “super mom” that people thought that I was. I felt like I had lost that title. It was hard and now I can relate to those that deal with this in so many different ways. But God.. He knew my heart, He knew that I didn’t want to feel the way that I did, and He knew that I needed to break free of that. I kept pushing on and praying for something good. Not a miracle but something good. And you know what…. He listens! I am so much better!
Never in a million years would I think that I would have felt so down. And…. no one knew. I kept my cry silent for months. I didn’t share with anyone and as a matter of fact I just said something to my husband recently that I know that’s what I was going through but didn’t want to admit it. People have no idea what that next person may be going through so don’t just assume they are ok.
My feeling with this is I hope that I can reach someone’s heart and let them know that yes you will get better but take the steps to get there. Eat more healthy and get your gut health in check with plant based supplements and NOT ones from the drug store. I stumbled across this amazing product while searching for hope. I knew that something had to be out there to help me. And there it was right in front of me! I can help you with that. I hate to see people suffering because now I know the pain. Trust God that he is the answer to prayer.
Don’t let the devil win!!! Stand firm and let him know that Jesus is your almighty savior.
So since this is Thanksgiving week I come to Him with thanksgiving and praise that we all can overcome anything.
My prayer to anyone suffering depression is that you will get through and heal yourself from the inside out.

Yes No Maybe So

From the my very first pregnancy 24 years ago to now, I can’t even believe all the decisions that we have had to make! Have you ever just sat down and thought about that for a minute? It all starts with one simple question, “Are we or aren’t we ready to have a baby”? Well doesn’t matter when you are ready. Sometimes things may just happen when you least expect it, at least that has happened to us many of times.
Whether you carry your child yourself or even adoption, we become parents no matter what way our family is born. We all still have to make some major decisions as parents and boy some of it is insane!
From the moment you become a parent the questions start to flood in and sometimes they can be quite scary. One way that I describe children is that I call them “borrowed blessings”. Sounds crazy but seriously, children are God’s children and we are just borrowing them to raise the best way possible and teach them character traits to become the adults that we hope and pray for each and everyday. Now I do understand that when they grow they are the ones to make their decisions on their own but as a parent it is so vital that we are open, honest, responsible, loving, and just down right real with our kids. We have one chance to try and raise up some amazing humans! What seems like an eternity for them to become adults is over before we know it. Sometimes I would love to turn back time. Does anyone know where they are hiding that reset button??
So anyway we all start with a name. A name is a BIG deal! We try to pick a name that might mean something or have some sort of significance. Maybe we pick it just because we love it. Then comes that pile of questions….. “will we breast or formula feed, will we vaccinate or not, will my son have a circumsion, what doctor will I choose, what car seat will we pick (because they seriously make it so difficult with all the choices). Choices and the selections they have out now compare to 24 years ago is crazy! They never had “pink” car seats or baby furniture. So if you had a girl you were getting probably a blue car seat.
Well that’s just a shortened “baby list”. What about when they start to get older? Oh geez! I am going to spare you the drama on that. But it’s just so fascinating to really just go over all the decisions that were once your decisions and now I have adult children making their own decisions. Thank God I still have little ones to keep me occupied!
Being a Mom has been one of the most rewarding jobs for me. Oh and yes I have had many of shares of tears and felt like a failure many times over and over again, but I just pick up my big girl pants and remind myself that this job can be tough, but this is a job that no one can replace.
Not every decision we make will be the right decision or the best decision but as a parent we all have to do what is right for our family. Don’t base your decision on someone else’s family life. Do what you feel is best for you. Definitely take advice from other, believe me, I still do! We all need encouragement to get us through sometimes. But never for once think that you have fallen short on your day.
Have you ever had that moment when you tell the kids that you will do something and then it just doesn’t happen? Tell me how you feel when that happens. I know I have done that and then that night I will feel like I just had an epic parent fail. Sometimes we can get wrapped up in housework, or just simple silly things that we have forgotten that our children really need us to interact, listen, and just simply be there. Years ago someone once told me that you shouldn’t worry about the house mess unless someone is coming to visit, you should spend time with your children because in a blink of an eye they will be grown. I can honestly say.. that is so true! I can’t even get over the fact that I am a Grandmother now! I sit and wonder how that time and where that time went. When someone figures out how to freeze time let me know will ya?
So, I guess when you look at the big picture of making decisions for everything in life, you should be trying to make the BEST ones possible. Do your research with everything. Just because you read it somewhere doesn’t mean it’s the best decision for your family. I pray that God will guide us all in our decisions. It’s a hard thing and we could really use some guidance with this one.
As our children grow and we see them making decisions for themselves:
1. Never think that your children are too old to hear you say you love them
2. Never think that just because they are getting older they don’t need you because they do ( as a matter of fact, probably more then you think)
3. Now that they are older they will probably become your best friends (hopefully) Oh DO NOT try to be their best friend when they are younger! That just doesn’t work out very well! You are their parent before that time strictly!
4. Know that even if you have a parent fail, your children will still love you <3
So I know that some of you are just starting out on your parenting journeys or are still waiting or you could be like me and still going through it or maybe your children are grown, but one thing we all have in common is we are all still learning. Everyday is an adventure and one worth talking about.
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Somedays are REAL tough….

I know we all imagine This perfect “fairytale” life and having children is just the cherry on the top. Don’t get me wrong we have been truly blessed with all our children but let’s be real, some days are real tough, not just a little but ALOT!
Getting up in the morning has always been a crazy time for us over here with our tribe. We always have at least one early riser so that means if I want any “alone” time, then I need to get up when it’s still dark out! Which I love love snuggles on the couch if we have early risers but sometimes that can become a problem because I still need to get up and start our busy day. When you homeschool, you just need to be ready and prepared for your day. So… then when is there time to get in the shower, get ready for the day and have time with God before all the littles are at my feet telling me how starving they are, as if they haven’t eaten for days. Seriously, my kids LOVE to eat constantly. As a matter of fact our biggest bill!!!
Don’t you just love the days that everything runs so smooth that you can’t believe the day has already come to and end? The kids have just played so nicely and you got lots accomplished. As a matter of fact today was one of those days. Kids sharing the iPad, some kids playing legos and making amazing creations, some playing with a fall sensory bin, and the older ones doing their schoolwork without me prompting them.
I may have not showered but I did manage to get dressed and my heart is so full when I have cooperation and less disagreements.
But we all know this doesn’t happen all the time.
Let’s go back about a month ago when my 6 year old decided to cut open a humungous stuffed animal “to see what was inside”. Talk about a massive mess to clean!! I feel like we had little tiny styrofoam balls sticking to the ceiling, walls, and to the floors (which I went through 3 vacuum bags) for weeks!!

Oh and the time my 3 year old just a few weeks ago decided to pee all over the bathroom floor because he couldn’t get to the bathroom quick enough and in the same day hid in the pantry and poked his finger in about 12 coffee cups and poured the grinds all over the floor while getting into peanut butter! Listen…stories of my 3 year old and all my kids at 3 years old for that matter, could go on and on. Why are kids so mischievous? This is just a small tip off the iceberg what really goes on over here on a daily basis, but I just wanted to let you all know that being imperfect is OK.
Sometimes we just need to laugh things off. They are learning just like we are each and everyday.
Lots of people think just because we are a large family, I have all the answers. The truth is… I don’t. Surprising huh?
Somedays are so tough that I just would love to get a break. Somedays are so tough that I didn’t think I did enough. Somedays are so tough that I questioned myself about keeping it calm. Somedays are so tough that I questioned my strength. But at the end of the day I know that tomorrow is a new day and I get to start all over again. Just hope and pray that my son looks at me and says “Mommy, pinky promise”. As he does that and looks at me with those big brown eyes of his, I know that God has given me a big job indeed, but it’s so stinking rewarding all at the same time. I get to be their Mom which is the BEST job in the whole world. So yes, I have more crazy days then not and I get mad at stupid things sometimes, but I am still in a learning phase of just laughing some things off. To a degree of course.
Listen… when you’re having a crazy chaotic day, lighten up. Sometimes we need “mommy time-outs”, a brisk walk, or just go to a room where you can reevaluate yourself and why you are getting all upset at little things mostly. Kids will always be kids and they need to learn too. They explore and get into things that they shouldn’t, they argue with siblings, throw things sometimes, stomp their feet, yell, cry, want attention (sometimes positive and sometimes negative), and can also be demanding at times.
But I reassure you.. give them some growth space to talk things through with them. We can’t always have our way either. Things will NOT ever be perfect and that’s ok. Sometimes go to their level. My kids love when we put on some music and just dance. To all you homeschool Mom’s out there give yourself some credit and stop being so rigid. Kids will learn each and everyday. I know for me if my children learn respect and how to become a mature hardworking teen/adult then I have done my job. We need to prepare them for the future. I tell my kids all the time, “I don’t tell you to do something because I am being mean, but rather because I love you and I am teaching you to be responsible”.
You will eventually get that meal in or that shower that you have waited all day for. But in reality they need you. Kids don’t care if you showered or are in your best outfit for the day. All they care about is spending time with you and being happy.
So when you are having a bad day and the kids are all crazy, get into your “kid” mode and come down to their level. I guarantee you…. they will love it!
Matthew 18:3
And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.